I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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