garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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