Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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