I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
