god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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