So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize