my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't deserve a penis
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
