The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
