that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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