Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize