I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize