Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
