be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
