look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
