mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is Oprah even human
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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