I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
