Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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