mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize