it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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