I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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