Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ketchup is God's man juice
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
