i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
