this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
