respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The struggles of a small town man whore
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
