Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
