we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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