I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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