I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
