The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
