I hate your face
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
