It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize