Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
