Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
