Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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