oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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