as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
