i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
