Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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