guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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