Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
