I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
