also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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