He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
