I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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