Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
me + whiskey = a bad person
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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