I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
