I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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