In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
