maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
