the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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