I'd wear matching sweaters with you
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Say something about gay babies.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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