I think my fart just growled at me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Of course I have a pirate flag
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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