k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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