Screwed.edu
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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