if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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