I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize