my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
