i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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