Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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