the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
