hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
